Getting the Unspoken on the Table

Have you ever wondered whether your coaching is reaching its full “making a difference for the coachee” potential? Well, here’s a technique that can help you find out in real time. And, it can do oh-so-much-more! I have been amazed at what I’ve learned about my coaching (and myself) as a result. Not to mention how it’s helped my coachees.

I call it feedback exchange. Here goes:

• At the beginning of your session, ask your coachee if they would be willing to offer you feedback at the end. Assuming affirmative, wrap up your discussion so that you have 5-10 minutes left at the end for this open exchange.
• Explain that you have two questions: one asking for positive feedback; the other asking for constructive feedback.
• Ask the first question: “What did I do in this discussion today that you found useful?” After each answer, keep asking, “What else?” until they’ve exhausted their ideas. The newest insights may well be the last ones.
• Then do exactly the same with the next question: “What did I do in this discussion today that I could have done differently or better?” Again ask, “What else?” repeatedly, until there are no more ideas. The last ideas may be the ones that were the most difficult to say or even formulate, and therefore the most insightful for you and your coaching.
• Tip: Ask for clarification along the way; don’t start explaining your rationale for doing what you did.
• Tip: Thank the coachee for sharing. This feedback exchange will not always be easy for them. Once you demonstrate your ease in receiving their feedback, they may open up and give you some real gems.

You might be thinking: But how can I spend 10 minutes of our precious time together focused on me? I would argue back that by putting the “unspoken” on the table, feedback exchange will bring your coaching up to the next level, in service of your coachee.

A LOT of things will be happening:

• Perhaps the most obvious – you will gain insights into your own coaching 
• You will learn what works well and less well for THIS particular coachee 
• Your coachee may learn something more about themselves
• You will create an opportunity for the two of you to deepen your relationship
• Feedback exchange can “level the playing field” – both of you will have made yourselves vulnerable in service of the coachee’s personal growth
• You will be walking-the-talk by role modeling an eagerness to learn, an ability to seek and receive feedback, and the habit of reflecting after an encounter

I find that, when I apply this feedback technique from the start, it sets the tone for an open and two-way exchange all along the way. It helps coach and coachee find their way of working together more quickly. Sometimes the coachee even starts offering and asking for feedback during sessions because of the regular exchange at the end of each session. In addition, when there is the need to shift focus somewhere along the coaching journey, this often comes to light and is made explicit during these feedback exchanges. Finally, when misunderstandings arise, these exchanges provide a platform for clearing them up quickly.

I confess, I don’t use feedback exchange at the end of every session, but I do for most. I think you’ll find that feedback exchange quickly becomes a smooth process, as the two of you find your way of working together. In order to ensure that our coaching is at its highest level – reaching its full “making a difference for the coachee” potential – the “unspoken” must be on the table. Feedback exchange is the perfect way to make that happen.