Unanswered Questions

I’ll never forget a coaching session I had years ago with a leader in the shipping industry – a rough and tumble environment. We were working on his coaching leadership style. He asked me to be tough on him, to challenge and not hold back. I agreed, and wondered when opportunity would present itself.

Well, it did, in a very surprising way. We were discussing a behavior that he would repeat often with one of his direct reports, that was negatively impacting her performance. I asked him, “How do you think she might feel when you do that?” His answer had nothing to do with feelings. Interesting. I let him speak his mind for a bit, to see where it would go.

Finally interrupting, I said, “OK, but how do you think she might be feeling?” He responded with a new direction, but it still had nothing to do with feelings. Now THIS was interesting!

I asked a third time, “But when you do that, how do you think she feels?” Amazingly (I could hardly contain myself), he went in a third direction that had nothing to do with feelings! He was clearly not answering the question.

OK, no more Mr. Nice Guy! I held my hand up like a stop sign and said, “For the FOURTH time, how do you think she might FEEL?!”

His eyes got as wide as saucers, the silence hung heavy, and I didn’t know if he was going to hit me, walk out, answer, or what! He turned his gaze toward the window and took a deep breath. Then more silence. Finally he proceeded to generate seven or eight really good ideas about how she might feel when he behaved in that way. In his case, it was very challenging to shift gears to think about feelings, much less talk about them. This conversation and his answer ended up creating the foundation for his motivation to change.

I thought long and hard about what had happened and realized that there are often very interesting moments when our coachees don’t answer our questions, and we often let them get away with it!

Since that coaching session, I’ve observed and debriefed hundreds of ‘everyday conversations’ between leaders practicing their coaching leadership style and their direct reports. This is very rewarding work because you can help leaders recognize something important happening in the moment that they may be missing – such as questions not being answered – so that they can turn an ‘OK’ conversation into a very valuable one.

Here are some examples of questions I’ve seen go unanswered:

• Coach asks: “What can you do to control your emotions more?” – Coachee responds with another story, but no solution.
• Coach asks: “Your colleague isn’t answering emails and voicemails. What could be keeping him from doing so?” – Coachee responds by expressing how frustrating it is for her, but does not put self in the shoes of her colleague.
• Coachee says: “How can people behave this way!?” (with no intention of seeking an answer – instead wanting to ‘vent’). You as coach reply: “What do you think? How CAN they behave this way?” – Coachee responds by noting the negative impact of others’ behavior on self. 

Here are some reasons that people don’t answer a question:

• The obvious – They don’t have an answer. Perfect! If an answer would help the coachee move forward, then stay with the question and seek an answer together. This is part of what coaching is about – the creation of new thought and ideas.
• They don’t want to think or talk about the topic. Great! It might be something they’ve been avoiding, such as putting themselves in the shoes of someone else. This is one of the key benefits of coaching – to get our coachees to think about topics they’ve been avoiding.
• They don’t understand the question. Interesting! If the question is clearly worded, like the question about feelings in the example above, then the concept of feelings may be fuzzy for the coachee, and we as coaches can help clarify what we are asking for.

So the next time you are asking a question and it doesn’t get answered, consider staying with the question until an answer has presented itself! Remember that letting your coachee get away with an unanswered question is almost always a missed opportunity for a more productive conversation.

_________________________________________________________________________

Are you a "Do-It-Yourself Coach? or Are You a Leader as Coach?

Develop a Coaching Leadership Style this 2022!

You are invited to the Coaching is an Art (CIAA) Coaching Program 2022 launching this coming October!

Here's how one participant’s leadership style was transformed by the program, delivering top results:

"There are so many things that I am doing differently (and better!) in conversing with colleagues and clients now! This course took me on a significant journey, reviewing and transforming how I interact with others. With a plethora of extremely effective tools now at hand, I am more curious, listen more deeply, am more patient, and I stimulate deeper and more innovative thinking in others. I am much more conscious and intentional now – and all this gives me enormous energy!”

Senior Global Partner
Big 4 Advisory Firm

Feel free to email Julie Johnson at julie@julie-johnson-consulting.com if you want to know more about the program.